Why do shorts get shorter when you put them on?

Two days ago I realized that I needed some exercise shorts for our workouts. Been doing them in regular shorts and they were keeping me from stretching in some of the unimaginable ways required by the chief torturer. So we went to Walmart for a pair of exercise shorts.

Wow! What a wake-up call! Which reminds me, my sister emailed me to say that the P90X routine wasn’t meant for old geezers like me [Thank you, sis, for that reminder]. Anyway, when I went into the shorts section, I began to realize she might be right. I am out-of-step with the exercise styles! Wooo - shorts are looong nowadays. Wouldn’t feel right wearing those things unless I was going to a highland Scottish bagpipe convention [think, kilt, or better, coulotts]. If I wore ‘em pulled halfway down my butt, as is the fashion presently, I’d have me a fine, albeit baggy, pair of slacks. Might even have to roll up the cuffs to keep ‘em from dragging.

Well, you would not catch me dead in those things [although, come to think about it, if we keep at this P90X thing, dead might be the only way to catch me] [Ah, that last was a reference to my mortality, not to any speed I think I may acquire from my exercising; it has been at least thirty years since I had the sort of speed that might make me difficult to catch, unless your preferred mode of racing is in a wheelchair]!

As I was saying before all those editorial comments, I am not going to wear those new-style shorts that come down over my calves. Might as well wear exercise pants, right?

So, I went looking for short shorts. Did you know that no one makes short shorts anymore [unless you are talking boxers or briefs, which I most decidedly am not]? I looked high, I looked low, in the piles and on the aisles, I sought them here, I sought them there, I sought those short shorts everywhere. No luck. Until I found this pair of bright blue, green, and yellow Dr. Seuss shorts [mine say "one fish two fish" on ‘em]. These were the only ones in the whole store of the sought-after length, so after checking ‘round to make sure no one was looking, I bought ‘em.

Now, I have only two things to say about my Dr. Seuss exercise shorts. First, when I got them home and put them on for our workout the next morning, they got shorter. A lot shorter. Probably too short. This I do not understand. Why do shorts get shorter just because you put them on? I can understand why they might do odd things along the other axis (for instance if I thought my waist was still a 32) but not in the length department.

The second thing you have to picture in your mind, but I have to face everytime I do my workout now. You know where weight lifters and boxers exercise shorts say “Everlast” right in the front? Mine say, “Dr Seuss”.

Oh, and I guess there is a third thing about my Dr. Seuss shorts: you won’t catch me dead in those things.