Ever heard this lie?

Installs in minutes! This is what was printed on the outside of the package. Like a fool, I believed it. The first indication of trouble should have been when I picked up the box, which weighed about forty pounds. Nothing that weighs forty pounds installs in minutes.

With the satisfaction of the clueless, I dragged my purchase over to the checkout register. The second indication of trouble was the price. Nothing weighing forty pounds and costing 200 bucks installs in minutes.

The third indication of trouble, which, actually, was the first if you're doing this chronologically, was philosophical. This was my last day off of the holiday break: I had all sorts of irresponsible, worthless, unproductive sheer fun planned. Count on it: whenever you've got a day like that planned, some widget in your house is going to break, and the replacement will not install in minutes.

I briefly considered the Lowes installation offer: for another 97 bucks, they will install it for me. Naah! It's just a garage door opener! What can possibly go wrong?

I can sort of imagine one German general saying to another German general, "We're just invading Russia: what can possibly go wrong?"

Never, never ask that question. Not unless you are prepared for an answer that does not install in minutes.

Got my box home, and staggered into the garage with it (okay, it's only 40 pounds, but I have not done my P90X since this summer; give me a break). Set it down, looked up, and there was my old (broken) garage door opener staring back at me, about eight feet above the floor. Umm. Looks heavy. How am I going to get that thing down without killing myself? You see, the front end of the track is bolted to the front end of the garage, and then ten feet away, connected to the other end of the track, is a heavy motor bolted to supports hanging from the ceiling. All one piece. If I unbolt one end, it tears up the wall or the ceiling mount on the other end.

Okay, I see. Somehow I have to unbolt both sides simultaneously, whilst holding the entire assembly in the air. I only need a wingspan of, maybe, ten feet, and four extra arms. No problemo.

Ninety minutes later the old, broken track is laying safely on the garage floor, but I was beginning to understand that "Installs in minutes" might have been referring to more minutes than I had counted on. The old one definitely did not UN-install in minutes.

Did I mention that it was freezing in my garage? It felt below zero, but that was probably my imagination.

The next problem was deciphering the directions to install the new opener. At least they were in English. And Mandarin. And Arabic. And French. And Spanish. And German. And Russian. And probably Old Testament Hebrew. Five of the forty pounds were taken up by the multi-lingual instructions.Two acres of rainforest were chopped down to satisfy mult-culti sensitivities.

While the directions always include helpful safety information, like, never plug in your garage door opener while standing in a bathtub full of water (not quite sure how you'd manage that), on the other hand, they frequently assume that you know stuff. They tell me to connect rail A to rail B to rail C. What they don't tell me is that you can not disconnect the rails once connected, and that, oh by the way, make sure all the holes are on top before connecting.

Two hundred and forty minutes later, the track is installed. By now I am getting pretty good at bolting on the two opposite ends of a ten foot long heavy track at the same time, while holding it eight feet in the air. I am also muttering under my breath, installs in minutes, like an angry epithet.

Now its time to string the control pad and safety sensor wires. Ever try to hammer a tiny insulated wire staple to a hard plaster ceiling while wearing gloves? Doesn't work. So off go the gloves. Ever try to hammer a tiny insulated wire staple to a hard plaster ceiling with numb hands? That does not work either. At least when your hands are numb, you can't feel it when you smash 'em with the hammer. Wonder if the garage door opener will feel it if I smash it with the hammer?

Last day of Christmas break. A few minutes past midnight I stumble into the house, frozen stiff. Miracle of miracles, the garage door actually works, but I am just too tired to clean the litter of tools, old door-opener parts, and construction materials off my garage floor. Doris' car will have to spend another night outside.

Installs in minutes? Don't you believe it!